Call Me . . . Maybe? (Dating Part I)

Great piece of music. Seriously. What it lacks in substance, it definitely makes up for catchiness. It was just a couple months ago when my friend and I were running and she said, “Okay. You’re probably going to hate this. And you’re probably going to make fun of me, but this is my favorite song right now.” She let me borrow her headphones, and, guess what? I loved it. And I have ever since. When they say, “the song’s gone viral,” they’re not kidding. It is a virus- in that I didn’t want it, but as soon as I was exposed to it I couldn’t get rid of it. And here I am, two months later, the lyrics still playing in my head. (Thanks Marth:) So what better to do than write a blog about it?

As per usual, I’m here to uncover some truths behind a part of our culture that’s in need of closer inspection.

I’m sure Miss Carly Rae had no intention of writing a song that had any real meaning. Except that she had met this really cute guy and she really hoped that he would perhaps, possibly, maybe call her. Little did she know that by releasing this soon-to-be top charter, she would be unleashing the desperate cry of our generations’ heart. My purpose here isn’t to bash Carly Rae or her catchy little tune. I just want to point out that this song- along with many others- tells a sad tale of where our generation stands in terms of dating, sex, love, and the roles of guys and girls in relationships.

I know the subject of dating is way overdone. If you ask me, there are way too many books that give us the formula for the “perfect” Christian relationship. There are books telling us we should casually date lots of people just to see what we like, and there are books saying we should stop dating altogether and wait until we feel God is guiding us to that perfect beacon of light that we hastily deem as “the one.” And it’s ironic, when you think about it, that there’s so much literature and ‘wisdom’ out there telling us what to do and how to do it, yet we don’t seem to be fully satisfied by any one approach. (Similarly ironic is the fact that there has been an increasingly high number of marriage books released in the past decade, yet the divorce rate is at an all time high. Which begs the question, which came first- the chicken or the egg? But that is another blog for another day…)

The point I’m trying to make is, relationship formulas haven’t solved our problem. We’re still unsatisfied. If we’re single, we’re in search of the one who will make us happy. He will make us feel complete, and hey, if not, at least we got a free meal out of it! (kidding… kind of) We look at our friends with boyfriends and think how lucky they are. They don’t know how good they have it! We wallow in self-pity until one of our more confident friends comes along and says, “Hey! Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Take matters into your own hands. Want a guy? Go out there and get one!”

So we go out that night. The hot guy walks in. The words of our confident friend and the groundbreaking lyricist Carly Rae begin playing across our minds. We walk up to him, and, though maybe with a bit more nuance, we say, “Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy. But here’s my number, so call me, maybe?”

And it works! We get a hook up or maybe even a free dinner out of it. We’ve proven that we are wanted.  We’re worth someone’s time, even if just for a night.

So… what’s the matter with this? What’s so wrong with a little guy attention?

But the problem isn’t the guy attention. It’s not even what we may or may not have done with the guy. It’s about the state of our hearts. Yes, it only lasted a night. Yes, it was just a physical act. But we’re not just physical beings. We have souls that last much longer than a one-night stand. Though our actions have temporary implications here on earth, the motivations behind these actions echo in eternity.

It may sound like I’m making something out of nothing. All college kids do this, some of you may say. It’s just a phase we go through, and then we get serious later. If this makes me happy now, what else matters? Why do I have to give up having fun just to follow some rule?

First of all, I want you to know that I’ve been here. I’ve said farewell to commitment and embraced the fleeting pleasure found in off- and-on guy attention. I thought I would feel wanted and loved, when, in reality, I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be- alone.

I, too, saw this is “not a big deal.” Until I realized what I was doing. My happiness was dependent on whether or not he would “call me, maybe.” I was chasing after a dream of being loved and settling for much less. I was exchanging seemingly good things for the better things that God had in store for me. I thought I was just living life, when really I was wasting it. I was giving myself to things and people that cared nothing about me, and damaging my heart in the process.

So… I know. I know how hard it is. I know that being alone sucks. I know how good it feels to be appreciated by a guy. I’ve felt the high of having his attention and affection, and I’ve also felt the low of having my heart unnecessarily broken. And it’s sad to think that that’s what I thought life was. All the books and movies told me that that was perfectly fine. Dating was a game, and my heart was simply a piece that would be inevitably hurt in the process. I believed I would recover seamlessly from my mistakes. I honestly didn’t think there would be any consequences.

How craftily the devil plays with our minds and hearts! He blinds us to the repercussions of our actions and tells us that the ‘now’ is worth it.

So, can I just tell you a little secret life has taught me?

IT’S NOT.

In all things- not just dating- exchanging fleeting pleasure for lasting satisfaction will lead us to sorrow. I wish I could give some set of rules to follow to ensure perfect relationship bliss, but I can’t. In fact, no one can. There’s only one foolproof answer I’ve found, and it seems to be the answer to all the issues we’ve addressed in this blog thus far:

Jesus.

The One who holds everything together, the One who leads, guides, and helps us.

Yes, there are other things at play here, like the appropriate roles for girls and guys in a healthy relationship, but I want to go deep into the heart of the matter. And, as it turns out, it’s Him.

Again.

The Enemy hates when we identify the heart of a matter. He wants to keep us as far away from it as possible, so we don’t bring to light the things that truly need to be uncovered. In the case of relationships, he disguises our need for a Savior as a simple desire to get the approval of a guy. The reason why so many of us see hooking up and fickle relationships as “not that big of a deal” is because Satan’s telling us it’s not. He’s doing what he always does, allowing us to question God’s character and doubt our identity in Christ.

If God was really good, he wouldn’t let you feel so alone.

And since you feel alone, it’s your job to change that. Take charge of your life- don’t leave it up to Him or to anybody else. Do what feels right, and you’ll find happiness.

Sound familiar? These are the lies that enslave us to the vicious cycle of failed flings and unpredictable relationships. The lie that holds on to the weak hope that he’ll “call me . . . maybe.”

But, as we’ve examined before, if the Enemy cares about something, our loving Father cares about it tremendously more. If Satan has a lie to tell, God has a truth that will powerfully defeat it.

In me only will you feel complete; only I can promise never to leave you or forsake you. (Colossians 2:10, Deuteronomy 31:6)

You can rest in this truth, knowing I have your best interest at heart. Pursuing other things will only lead to more dissatisfaction; I am the sole source of lasting joy and contentment. Therefore put all your hope in Me, for I am the only One who can hold your heart without breaking it. (Psalm 16:4, Psalm 16:1, Psalm 103:1-5, Philippians 4:7)

With these truths in mind, it’s clear that our relationship with guys isn’t what’s most important here. What matters is how we relate to the One who created relationships. God is the Author of romance and the Orchestrator of every lasting love story. Love was his idea, not ours. He is the master of intimacy, not us. How then can we expect to have meaningful, satisfying relationships without the guidance of Him who originated them?

C.S. Lewis summarizes this point well,

“If you are right with Him you will inevitably be right with all your fellow-creatures, just as if all the spokes of a wheel are fitted rightly into the hub and the rim they are bound to be in the right positions to one another.” (Mere Christianity)

So, try as we might, relying on our own relationship tactics just won’t work. The only satisfaction we will find is that found in surrender- giving our lives (not just our dating lives) to the Savior who frees us from trying to make things work through our own efforts. We don’t have to derive our confidence from the hope that maybe he’ll call. Our assurance can lie deeper than that, on the unconditional grace and love of Jesus Christ. We don’t have to wonder whether or not He’s going to accept us. He has, He does, and He will. There are no “maybe’s” with Him. Yes, He is calling. The only question is: will you answer?

(Stay tuned for part II... coming soon! Also, title and premise of this blog accredited to the very smart and talented J.B. Murphy)