Waiting For My Boaz (Mistakes Christian Girls Make)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My92oE9RwRE

I’m sure most of you have seen this. And if not, you’ve lived it. This is us. Sad, but true. If you’re a Christian girl reading this, you know; I need not explain. So today, I want to relate to you as one stereotypical coffee-and-the-Word-Christian-girl to another.

Last week we talked about the less-than-fulfilling promises of the “Call Me, Maybe” lifestyle. We examined what it looks like to hang our hopes on the fleeting pleasure of guy attention, and how we can only find true satisfaction in the Author of romance Himself.

Maybe some of you read the last post and thought to yourself, “Duh! I already knew that. Now if I can only get (insert name of friend here) to read this…” Most of you, I bet, agreed with the truth I shared but did not see it as applicable to your own life. I know this, because if I were reading such a post, I would have made a list of all the girls I know that need to read it, not recognizing that I need to take a look at my own heart first.

“But Allie,” you may say, “I don’t hook up with guys. I don’t need guy attention to make me happy. I’m a Christian, and Christians don’t do those things. I’ve read all the dating books, I’ve listened to all the dating sermons, and I’ve done all the dating Bible studies.”

And to you, dear reader, I say,

Perfect!

You’ve come to just the right place.

No matter how “Christian” we may be, we all harbor in our hearts the same desire: to be wanted and loved. Not just today or tomorrow, but forever. Some try to fulfill this desire in obviously dangerous ways: having sex in order to validate your self-worth, getting drunk to make yourself “more fun” or “braver” in your pursuit of a guy, or going from one fling to another in search of lasting love and acceptance. But these are not the only ways to ineffectively fill that void.

Other not-so-obvious (but equally treacherous) ways are as follows:

Reading all the books on Christian dating.

Talking to every Christian woman you know about the topic of dating.

Following all the Christian rules on dating.  

And lastly, knowing all the Christian vocabulary concerning dating.

Yep.

You heard me.

You can be just as unfruitful doing the “right” things as you can in doing the wrong things.

I know that sounds crazy, but let me explain.

I’m reading a spectacular book by Tim Keller called Prodigal God, based on the parable in Luke 15 about the prodigal son, which I’m going to assume most of you know. (If not, read the story- it’s a great one!) In the first couple chapters, Keller highlights a truth that made me cringe with conviction. He points out that it is not only the rebellious, wayward son that is lost, but also the elder, obedient son. He explores the idea that the older son, resentful upon his younger brother’s return, is in need of just as much grace as the son who squandered his father’s estate. When the older son complains of not having his own feast thrown for him, he reveals the selfishness of his heart. You see, the older son believes that because he has been obedient to his father all these years, he has earned the right to a celebration. Which, in turn, proves that it’s not his father that the older son loves, but rather his father’s stuff. The son had not served him merely for the sake of service, but for what he would get out of it. Keller uses this analysis to prove that we can be push God away just as much through our righteousness- following all the rules, praying all the right prayers, saying all the right things, etc- as we can by our unrighteousness.

Ouch.

So what am I getting at here? That doesn’t seem like it has much to do with dating.

In the words of Elisabeth Elliot, “No one is pure apart from the righteousness of Christ.” In other words: we- Christian girls- need to hear the same truth as our non-Christian friends do. We can turn up our nose at the girls who are partying and hooking up every weekend, but we are no better than them by simply “being good.”

Because, as we’ve mentioned before, we must get to the heart of the matter in order for truth to be revealed. Satan wants nothing more than to keep us on the surface of things. He would rather distract us by a million outside factors than allow us to look into the depths of our hearts. For he knows that, there in the depths, is Christ. And where Christ is, the Enemy doesn’t stand a chance.

Satan uses good things- even godly things- to draw us away from intimacy with our Savior. He replaces the Creator with things created, and thus robs us of the lasting joy that God’s Presence offers. He uses this strategy to do what he always does: make us question 1) God’s goodness and 2) our identity in Christ. We are not the first victims of this crafty scheme. No, we have many a predecessor, one of them being Jesus Himself. If we look at Matthew 4, we see that Satan tempts Jesus not with bad things, but with good and even truthful things. He uses bread, God’s own Word, and the glory of the earth in attempts to pull Jesus’ attention away from His Father. Jesus, however, remembers the Lord’s promises and rebukes the Enemy by saying, “Be gone, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only you shall serve.’” (Matt. 4:1-11)

We would be wise to follow in Jesus’ footsteps. He is not enchanted by Satan’s offers, for his eyes are set on a Prize far greater than anything this life contains. Not even the wonders of the world could shake His confidence in the Lord.

In the same way, we must be careful to remember that while this world offers some great things, even Christ-centered things, they are nothing in comparison to Christ Himself. We can get all the advice, read all the literature, follow all the rules we want to, but until we learn to rest in the foundational truths of God’s goodness and our identity in Him, the do’s and don’t’s will get us nowhere. We must remember who it was Jesus most condemned- not the prostitutes, the tax collectors, or the wayward sons and daughters. No, Jesus’ ministry was against the righteous, the religious, the rule followers, and the ‘good’ elder sons.

So, what of the rules? Are we to do away with all of them? No, I don’t think so. For even Jesus Himself said that He came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. Rules and guidelines are good, helpful tools that can steer us in a godly direction. Psalm 19:7-11 says,

“The law of the Lord is perfect,

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,

making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes,

the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true,

and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover by them is your servant warned;

in keeping them there is great reward.”  

As we look at these verses, we see that the rules are not merely statutes to be kept; they serve as healing and rejuvenation of the heart. They are reminders of the goodness of the Lord and the confidence we can have in Him. Notice the passage never says, “Do what God says and you’ll get what you want”; His rules are not simply a roadmap to happiness. These truths promise something far greater: wisdom, joy, enlightenment, and satisfaction of the soul. In keeping them, there is great reward. This reward isn’t the perfect dating relationship or any other thing we may want in this life, but rather the Lord Himself. When God tells us that by delighting in Him we will get the desires of our heart, He doesn’t mean we can manipulate Him through obedience. Like the elder brother in Luke 15, our attempts to earn God’s “stuff” through “goodness” simply won’t work. Psalm 51:16-17 emphasizes this point,

“For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it…

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

It’s not our good deeds that our Father cares about. He places far more importance on our willingness to serve Him for who He is, not for what He can give us.

With this in mind, I don’t believe the Lord wants us to be crippled under the pressure of the romanticized Christian “pursuit.” For freedom He has set us free, not that we should be enslaved again- to sinfulness or goodness (Gal. 5:1). I don’t think He desires that we be dictated by a list of dating do’s and don’t’s that will inevitably leave us weary and frustrated. Jesus promises that His yoke will be easy and His burden light. Why would He then ask us to carry the weight of legalism? Why would He then expect us to meet an impossibly high standard that He’s already met for us? Why would He beg us to be still and know that He is God if He would rather us strive for perfection? Rather, He desires that we simply to rest in the knowledge of Him, knowing that He will guide us and help us, as in fact He “has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

So now I am led to the same conclusion with which I finished my last post. Relying on our own relationship know-how just won’t work, no matter how strong our faith may be. Books and sermons and wise counsel are wonderful things, as long as they continually point us back to Christ.  Knowledge is beneficial, but we “elder sons” must remember that we will never be able to abandon the basics of Christianity in exchange for more “mature” truths. Those of us waiting for our “Boaz” need just as much instruction and grace as those seeking fulfillment from the hope that he’ll “call me, maybe.” Without a deep and intimate relationship with our Savior, both the righteous and the unrighteous are exactly where they don’t want to be- alone. 

 “And I, when I came to you, brothers and sisters, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.” 1 Corinthians 2:1-2

Call Me . . . Maybe? (Dating Part I)

Great piece of music. Seriously. What it lacks in substance, it definitely makes up for catchiness. It was just a couple months ago when my friend and I were running and she said, “Okay. You’re probably going to hate this. And you’re probably going to make fun of me, but this is my favorite song right now.” She let me borrow her headphones, and, guess what? I loved it. And I have ever since. When they say, “the song’s gone viral,” they’re not kidding. It is a virus- in that I didn’t want it, but as soon as I was exposed to it I couldn’t get rid of it. And here I am, two months later, the lyrics still playing in my head. (Thanks Marth:) So what better to do than write a blog about it?

As per usual, I’m here to uncover some truths behind a part of our culture that’s in need of closer inspection.

I’m sure Miss Carly Rae had no intention of writing a song that had any real meaning. Except that she had met this really cute guy and she really hoped that he would perhaps, possibly, maybe call her. Little did she know that by releasing this soon-to-be top charter, she would be unleashing the desperate cry of our generations’ heart. My purpose here isn’t to bash Carly Rae or her catchy little tune. I just want to point out that this song- along with many others- tells a sad tale of where our generation stands in terms of dating, sex, love, and the roles of guys and girls in relationships.

I know the subject of dating is way overdone. If you ask me, there are way too many books that give us the formula for the “perfect” Christian relationship. There are books telling us we should casually date lots of people just to see what we like, and there are books saying we should stop dating altogether and wait until we feel God is guiding us to that perfect beacon of light that we hastily deem as “the one.” And it’s ironic, when you think about it, that there’s so much literature and ‘wisdom’ out there telling us what to do and how to do it, yet we don’t seem to be fully satisfied by any one approach. (Similarly ironic is the fact that there has been an increasingly high number of marriage books released in the past decade, yet the divorce rate is at an all time high. Which begs the question, which came first- the chicken or the egg? But that is another blog for another day…)

The point I’m trying to make is, relationship formulas haven’t solved our problem. We’re still unsatisfied. If we’re single, we’re in search of the one who will make us happy. He will make us feel complete, and hey, if not, at least we got a free meal out of it! (kidding… kind of) We look at our friends with boyfriends and think how lucky they are. They don’t know how good they have it! We wallow in self-pity until one of our more confident friends comes along and says, “Hey! Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Take matters into your own hands. Want a guy? Go out there and get one!”

So we go out that night. The hot guy walks in. The words of our confident friend and the groundbreaking lyricist Carly Rae begin playing across our minds. We walk up to him, and, though maybe with a bit more nuance, we say, “Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy. But here’s my number, so call me, maybe?”

And it works! We get a hook up or maybe even a free dinner out of it. We’ve proven that we are wanted.  We’re worth someone’s time, even if just for a night.

So… what’s the matter with this? What’s so wrong with a little guy attention?

But the problem isn’t the guy attention. It’s not even what we may or may not have done with the guy. It’s about the state of our hearts. Yes, it only lasted a night. Yes, it was just a physical act. But we’re not just physical beings. We have souls that last much longer than a one-night stand. Though our actions have temporary implications here on earth, the motivations behind these actions echo in eternity.

It may sound like I’m making something out of nothing. All college kids do this, some of you may say. It’s just a phase we go through, and then we get serious later. If this makes me happy now, what else matters? Why do I have to give up having fun just to follow some rule?

First of all, I want you to know that I’ve been here. I’ve said farewell to commitment and embraced the fleeting pleasure found in off- and-on guy attention. I thought I would feel wanted and loved, when, in reality, I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be- alone.

I, too, saw this is “not a big deal.” Until I realized what I was doing. My happiness was dependent on whether or not he would “call me, maybe.” I was chasing after a dream of being loved and settling for much less. I was exchanging seemingly good things for the better things that God had in store for me. I thought I was just living life, when really I was wasting it. I was giving myself to things and people that cared nothing about me, and damaging my heart in the process.

So… I know. I know how hard it is. I know that being alone sucks. I know how good it feels to be appreciated by a guy. I’ve felt the high of having his attention and affection, and I’ve also felt the low of having my heart unnecessarily broken. And it’s sad to think that that’s what I thought life was. All the books and movies told me that that was perfectly fine. Dating was a game, and my heart was simply a piece that would be inevitably hurt in the process. I believed I would recover seamlessly from my mistakes. I honestly didn’t think there would be any consequences.

How craftily the devil plays with our minds and hearts! He blinds us to the repercussions of our actions and tells us that the ‘now’ is worth it.

So, can I just tell you a little secret life has taught me?

IT’S NOT.

In all things- not just dating- exchanging fleeting pleasure for lasting satisfaction will lead us to sorrow. I wish I could give some set of rules to follow to ensure perfect relationship bliss, but I can’t. In fact, no one can. There’s only one foolproof answer I’ve found, and it seems to be the answer to all the issues we’ve addressed in this blog thus far:

Jesus.

The One who holds everything together, the One who leads, guides, and helps us.

Yes, there are other things at play here, like the appropriate roles for girls and guys in a healthy relationship, but I want to go deep into the heart of the matter. And, as it turns out, it’s Him.

Again.

The Enemy hates when we identify the heart of a matter. He wants to keep us as far away from it as possible, so we don’t bring to light the things that truly need to be uncovered. In the case of relationships, he disguises our need for a Savior as a simple desire to get the approval of a guy. The reason why so many of us see hooking up and fickle relationships as “not that big of a deal” is because Satan’s telling us it’s not. He’s doing what he always does, allowing us to question God’s character and doubt our identity in Christ.

If God was really good, he wouldn’t let you feel so alone.

And since you feel alone, it’s your job to change that. Take charge of your life- don’t leave it up to Him or to anybody else. Do what feels right, and you’ll find happiness.

Sound familiar? These are the lies that enslave us to the vicious cycle of failed flings and unpredictable relationships. The lie that holds on to the weak hope that he’ll “call me . . . maybe.”

But, as we’ve examined before, if the Enemy cares about something, our loving Father cares about it tremendously more. If Satan has a lie to tell, God has a truth that will powerfully defeat it.

In me only will you feel complete; only I can promise never to leave you or forsake you. (Colossians 2:10, Deuteronomy 31:6)

You can rest in this truth, knowing I have your best interest at heart. Pursuing other things will only lead to more dissatisfaction; I am the sole source of lasting joy and contentment. Therefore put all your hope in Me, for I am the only One who can hold your heart without breaking it. (Psalm 16:4, Psalm 16:1, Psalm 103:1-5, Philippians 4:7)

With these truths in mind, it’s clear that our relationship with guys isn’t what’s most important here. What matters is how we relate to the One who created relationships. God is the Author of romance and the Orchestrator of every lasting love story. Love was his idea, not ours. He is the master of intimacy, not us. How then can we expect to have meaningful, satisfying relationships without the guidance of Him who originated them?

C.S. Lewis summarizes this point well,

“If you are right with Him you will inevitably be right with all your fellow-creatures, just as if all the spokes of a wheel are fitted rightly into the hub and the rim they are bound to be in the right positions to one another.” (Mere Christianity)

So, try as we might, relying on our own relationship tactics just won’t work. The only satisfaction we will find is that found in surrender- giving our lives (not just our dating lives) to the Savior who frees us from trying to make things work through our own efforts. We don’t have to derive our confidence from the hope that maybe he’ll call. Our assurance can lie deeper than that, on the unconditional grace and love of Jesus Christ. We don’t have to wonder whether or not He’s going to accept us. He has, He does, and He will. There are no “maybe’s” with Him. Yes, He is calling. The only question is: will you answer?

(Stay tuned for part II... coming soon! Also, title and premise of this blog accredited to the very smart and talented J.B. Murphy)