Tomorrow, I leave for Edinburgh, Scotland. I am privileged
to be studying abroad there for the next four months, and I can't say I really
know what to expect. So far, my little world has revolved around me. It has
been built by my perceptions and has included only those I want to include.
Even with the knowledge of God, whose throne is far above the trivial
happenings of my life, I have but a faint idea of what the world looks like
outside of planet Allie. This past semester, I have been faced with many questions
regarding my faith. Propelled by the religion course I took, I wrestled with
the scientific and theological issues of creation, miracles, Jesus'
resurrection, and basically the accuracy of the Bible in general. As previously
stated, I have thus far in my life been a victim of self-inflicted
small-mindedness. I had not asked myself or others these questions before. They
rattled me, and I didn't like it. But I fought the urge to suppress my
wonderings with a simple "because it just is" and decided to dig
deeper. While all these hefty scientific, biblical questions whirled around in
my head, the subject I most wrestled with was that of Jesus Christ: who He is
and what His purpose is for the world.
Now, just so you know, this is a shot to my pride to be confessing this. I have been in a relationship with Jesus for a while now. Well, not THAT long, but long enough to know who He is. I've talked with and about Him nearly every day since becoming a Christian. I've written about him, sang to him, and have told others about him. I've read books about him, have heard great teaching concerning him, and have paid money to attend retreats where I could learn more about him. Needless to say, He is my absolute favorite subject. Yet here I am, four years after fully committing my life to Him, and I'm still asking myself, "Who is this Jesus?"
Talking with my friend on the phone yesterday, we began discussing what it means to really love Jesus. Furthermore, what does it mean to be in love with Him? Sure, it sounds good on paper, but how does that translate into my every day reality? I mean, how do I have such strong feelings for someone who died 2,000 years ago? What about Jesus makes me want him more than anyone or anything else?
I have heard girls reference Jesus as if he's their boyfriend. This makes me very uncomfortable. Jesus may be the Lover of my soul and Romancer of my heart, but he is also my King. He may be able to sympathize with my weaknesses, but he is also the Alpha and Omega. He is not my equal. And he most certainly is not my boyfriend.
Can I get a hallelujah to that?! PRAISE GOD that Jesus is not our boyfriend. He so far exceeds that. So if that's true, who is He and how do we love him? We've already established that He's both my Master and my Friend, so where does that leave us? Is loving him a sentimental feeling? Or is it an obligatory choice? Or is it a choice based on feeling? Or is the feeling a consequence of the choice? Is it all of the above? If so, what does that look like in my life?
It's so easy to repress these questions and simply adopt the Christian-girl lingo. Those of us who are well-churched know what to say and do, even read and think, to make it seem like we love Jesus. But I wonder how many of us are looking at the other thinking, "Now she really "gets it."" I'd like to bet that most Christian girls wrestle with these same questions about Jesus, and if they haven't yet, they probably will. There are also many who will push aside these thoughts and continue to go through the motions, hoping one day it will just click.
Such questions are especially difficult for those of us who have been raised in Christian homes. Let me take a moment to share a little of my testimony, then I'll get back to that... I have a wonderful, Christ- loving family who made sure I had all the Christian resources available at my fingertips. And while I didn't embrace Christ as Lord of my life until my senior year in high school, I still had a solid foundation. I knew who Jesus was, I knew some Bible verses, I journaled, and sang along to praise songs in chapel, but my heart was unsurrendered to him. Because of my lack of a "bad" past (to the world's standards), there was not a sudden life change, but rather a gradual renewal of my mind and resuscitation of my heart through the Holy Spirit. It was the summer before my senior year when I felt God slowly but surely taking the reigns of my life, and I haven't been the same since. I am so thankful for my testimony, and for the way God so graciously saved me from myself.
But it’s difficult to feel Jesus' love when you have been so loved by others your whole life. And it's hard to grasp the concept of grace when the standard of your sin seems "lower" than those around you. And it's nearly impossible to know Jesus as your only satisfaction when you have been so well provided for on earth. (Like a camel through the eye of a needle, as a matter of fact.) Yet we know that Jesus alone is infinite love, grace, and satisfaction. So how do we make this head knowledge true heart knowledge? And how do we translate this heart knowledge into action?
Besides simply learning more about Him, spending time with Him, and obeying His word, I don’t think there’s much else! I know that’s no surprise. Of course you and I both know this is how we get close to Jesus. But the great thing is, these things are more than enough to quiet our questions, though they are many.
And I could nearly cry of joy as I conclude this post. Not because of any grand revelation, but because I LOVE the bigness of our God. That he is able to handle our questions, our wonderings and wanderings, and our doubts. And I love that the more we know him, the more we will wonder about him. The more of his character that he reveals, the more mysterious he is. Each day spent with him is a day of recognizing how finite I am and how infinite, how eternal and marvelous, He is. I do not know all the answers to the questions on this post. I can direct myself to a dozen Scripture passages, could spout out quotes from countless theologians, but it takes a Spirit- powered registration of the heart to truly gain more knowledge of Christ. And he has grace to spare for my questions. He has patience and kindness in abundance for me. He loves when his children hunger and thirst for him, when they fight to know him more. So I encourage you to embrace the questions as well. Take them to Jesus, to His infallible Word, and all the while know that HE is the answer to all things asked. In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke,
Now, just so you know, this is a shot to my pride to be confessing this. I have been in a relationship with Jesus for a while now. Well, not THAT long, but long enough to know who He is. I've talked with and about Him nearly every day since becoming a Christian. I've written about him, sang to him, and have told others about him. I've read books about him, have heard great teaching concerning him, and have paid money to attend retreats where I could learn more about him. Needless to say, He is my absolute favorite subject. Yet here I am, four years after fully committing my life to Him, and I'm still asking myself, "Who is this Jesus?"
Talking with my friend on the phone yesterday, we began discussing what it means to really love Jesus. Furthermore, what does it mean to be in love with Him? Sure, it sounds good on paper, but how does that translate into my every day reality? I mean, how do I have such strong feelings for someone who died 2,000 years ago? What about Jesus makes me want him more than anyone or anything else?
I have heard girls reference Jesus as if he's their boyfriend. This makes me very uncomfortable. Jesus may be the Lover of my soul and Romancer of my heart, but he is also my King. He may be able to sympathize with my weaknesses, but he is also the Alpha and Omega. He is not my equal. And he most certainly is not my boyfriend.
Can I get a hallelujah to that?! PRAISE GOD that Jesus is not our boyfriend. He so far exceeds that. So if that's true, who is He and how do we love him? We've already established that He's both my Master and my Friend, so where does that leave us? Is loving him a sentimental feeling? Or is it an obligatory choice? Or is it a choice based on feeling? Or is the feeling a consequence of the choice? Is it all of the above? If so, what does that look like in my life?
It's so easy to repress these questions and simply adopt the Christian-girl lingo. Those of us who are well-churched know what to say and do, even read and think, to make it seem like we love Jesus. But I wonder how many of us are looking at the other thinking, "Now she really "gets it."" I'd like to bet that most Christian girls wrestle with these same questions about Jesus, and if they haven't yet, they probably will. There are also many who will push aside these thoughts and continue to go through the motions, hoping one day it will just click.
Such questions are especially difficult for those of us who have been raised in Christian homes. Let me take a moment to share a little of my testimony, then I'll get back to that... I have a wonderful, Christ- loving family who made sure I had all the Christian resources available at my fingertips. And while I didn't embrace Christ as Lord of my life until my senior year in high school, I still had a solid foundation. I knew who Jesus was, I knew some Bible verses, I journaled, and sang along to praise songs in chapel, but my heart was unsurrendered to him. Because of my lack of a "bad" past (to the world's standards), there was not a sudden life change, but rather a gradual renewal of my mind and resuscitation of my heart through the Holy Spirit. It was the summer before my senior year when I felt God slowly but surely taking the reigns of my life, and I haven't been the same since. I am so thankful for my testimony, and for the way God so graciously saved me from myself.
But it’s difficult to feel Jesus' love when you have been so loved by others your whole life. And it's hard to grasp the concept of grace when the standard of your sin seems "lower" than those around you. And it's nearly impossible to know Jesus as your only satisfaction when you have been so well provided for on earth. (Like a camel through the eye of a needle, as a matter of fact.) Yet we know that Jesus alone is infinite love, grace, and satisfaction. So how do we make this head knowledge true heart knowledge? And how do we translate this heart knowledge into action?
Besides simply learning more about Him, spending time with Him, and obeying His word, I don’t think there’s much else! I know that’s no surprise. Of course you and I both know this is how we get close to Jesus. But the great thing is, these things are more than enough to quiet our questions, though they are many.
And I could nearly cry of joy as I conclude this post. Not because of any grand revelation, but because I LOVE the bigness of our God. That he is able to handle our questions, our wonderings and wanderings, and our doubts. And I love that the more we know him, the more we will wonder about him. The more of his character that he reveals, the more mysterious he is. Each day spent with him is a day of recognizing how finite I am and how infinite, how eternal and marvelous, He is. I do not know all the answers to the questions on this post. I can direct myself to a dozen Scripture passages, could spout out quotes from countless theologians, but it takes a Spirit- powered registration of the heart to truly gain more knowledge of Christ. And he has grace to spare for my questions. He has patience and kindness in abundance for me. He loves when his children hunger and thirst for him, when they fight to know him more. So I encourage you to embrace the questions as well. Take them to Jesus, to His infallible Word, and all the while know that HE is the answer to all things asked. In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke,
“I
would like to beg you . . . to have patience with everything unresolved in your
heart, and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps
then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing
it, live your way into the answer.” (Letters
to a Young Poet)
I trust that Jesus will help me live the questions in this next great season of my life. In Edinburgh, I am praying that he would expand my small-mindedness and let me see more of him through his world. I am praying that my me-centered universe would be continually obliterated, and that he'd keep giving himself all the glory in my life. In spite of all the unknowns, there is nothing I want more than Jesus' glory. "Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!” Psalm 57:5
I trust that Jesus will help me live the questions in this next great season of my life. In Edinburgh, I am praying that he would expand my small-mindedness and let me see more of him through his world. I am praying that my me-centered universe would be continually obliterated, and that he'd keep giving himself all the glory in my life. In spite of all the unknowns, there is nothing I want more than Jesus' glory. "Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!” Psalm 57:5
"I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Saviour did come to die;
For poor, on'ry people like you and I;
I wonder as I wander out under the sky"
("I Wonder as I Wander"- Hymn by John Jacob Niles)
